You’re telling a friend about your latest challenge. Well-meaning, your friend launches into giving advice: they’ve been in a similar situation and they know exactly what you should do.
You start to get a little fidgety, a little tense. You already know that their suggestion won’t work. You appreciate their good intentions, yet this isn’t the conversation you want to have.
Does this sound familiar? It does to me. I’ve had my fair share of challenging situations and I’ve also been that well-meaning friend ready to share my quick fixes.
So what makes this exchange so unsatisfying?
On the surface, problems tend to take familiar shapes: a challenging relationship or dynamic at work; a complex project; overwhelm in the face of an ever-growing list of to-dos and frustration about not being able to get to what really matters.
It’s easy to come in with advice when something appears familiar. But take a closer look and there’s so much more happening.
Our individual, familial, and cultural upbringings profoundly shape who we are. This informs our ways of thinking, feeling, acting, and relating. The teams, groups, and organisations we belong to, interact with, and help shape have their own norms and cultures. In mission-driven organisations, for example, saying no is often counter-cultural, fuelling that ever-growing to-do list. Wider social, cultural, and political structures and dynamics also influence our everyday lives.
You know the most about the particulars of your situation and are best placed to identify your priorities and options for moving forward.
When someone gives advice, this richness and complexity tends to be lost. That’s why, when we’re on the receiving end of advice, we often don’t take it.
Coaching, then, is a different kind of conversation. As a coach, I’ve seen pretty special things happen. Stress, tension and even fear give way to clarity and resolve. Confusion lifts and there’s a moment of relief: ‘Ah, that’s what’s going on here.’
So what actually happens in a coaching conversation and, if you’re not familiar with this format, what can you expect?
You’ll outline the topic you’re bringing and describe what a good outcome from coaching looks like. You’ll have space to map out and reflect on your situation through different lenses:
- Inner: What feels familiar, and what might that be bringing up? Are there patterns in how you think, act, and relate to others? What is the body signalling, like that knot in the stomach?
- Organisational: What role do you play in the teams and systems around you, what are the norms and expectations, and how might that influence what’s going on?
- Structural: How might social norms and systems around gender, ethnicity, and background, for example, shape the barriers you face and the opportunities open to you, as well as how others see you and what they expect?
By bringing curiosity to these layers, we’ll work together to identify options to move forward.
And occasionally, I might even offer some advice. Not giving advice is a core principle of coaching, drilled into every new coach, but I’ve softened on this over time. Sometimes my particular vantage point gives me a suggestion that might be worth sharing. When that happens, I ask permission first, knowing that my understanding is only ever partial. The person I’m working with knows the fullness of their situation and will always decide what works best for them.
